Original Submission:
The Ogre and the Girl
Once upon a time there was a young girl whose quest it was to free her village from the terribly high tax laws that an evil king imposed on them. Many villagers were starving and sick because of their inability to pay for food or health care. Though she did not know exactly how she would make the tyrant listen to reason, she knew she must try.
The king lived several days’ ride from her home, so she borrowed her father’s snowy white horse and set out on her journey. The girl soon realized, however, that the horse was much thinner and weaker than he used to be, and did not have enough energy to take her all the way to the evil king’s castle. “I know that you are tired and hungry. I will come back for you and, once the king fixes that horrible tax law, you will be fat with grain!” The horse snorted and rolled its’ eyes as she tethered him to a tree.
Now on foot, she continued on her way. She hummed and skipped as she went along but, after only a few short hours, she knew that she was lost and too exhausted to go any further. Her feet ached and, with the sun slowly going down, she became panicked. “Please, somebody help me”, she cried, “I am terribly lost!” Almost immediately, a huge ogre appeared.
“I see that you are lost and in need of help,” said he, “I believe that I can offer assistance.”
“With all due respect, sir, I cannot possibly see how a big, stupid ogre could help me,” said she.
“I have something that will take you to wherever you wish to be.” He produced from his satchel a straw hat. “Put this hat on, make your request, and it will be done.”
The girl was worried that this gift might come at a cost, but when she asked what his price was, the ogre simply said that he wished for her to be successful in her journey, so that her people would be fat and healthy. Being so young, the girl did not think about it another moment and, closing her eyes, promptly put the hat on her head. “Please take me to the evil king’s castle, hat!” When she opened her eyes, she was in the king’s courtyard. She requested and, surprisingly, was granted, a meeting with king and so she began to make her speech. The tyrant listened to her and, she feared, was about to throw her out, when he surprised her by clapping his hands. He told her that in all of his years, he had never heard a better speech and would lift the tax law at once. It appeared that the straw hat had the magical power of persuasion, too.
When she returned to her village, a thunderous roar of applause greeted her. It seemed that an errand boy for the king had returned the tax money to the villagers. For the next few years, everyone grew fat and healthy and content.
Then, on the third year anniversary of the tax law removal, as the young and heroic girl was hanging up her laundry outside, she saw the ogre coming out of the forest towards her. When he reached her, he smiled and commented that, as he’d wanted, her villagers had become as fat as they could be. She nodded and thanked him.
“No need to thank me, it is I who should be thanking you. You, as naïve as can be, have single-handedly fattened up your villagers. I should thank you because that is exactly the way I like my food!” The young girl scarcely had time to protest when he picked her up and swallowed her whole.
Now with Gary’s revision suggestions:
Once upon a time there was a young girl whose quest it was to free her village from the terribly high tax laws that an evil king name? imposed on them. Many villagers were starving and sick because of their inability to pay for food or health care. Though she did not know exactly how she would make the tyrant listen to reason, she
The king lived several days’ ride from her home, so she borrowed her father’s snowy white horse seems a bit predictable, the wht. horse, get crazy, since this is a "fantasy" tale, dig deeper into your bag of tricks:) and set out on her journey. The girl soon realized, however, that the horse was much thinner and weaker than he used to be, and did not have enough energy to take her all the way to the evil king’s castle. at this point I'd really like names, readers identify with names and how we see characters so dev. this people w/more dimension
“I know that you are tired and hungry. I will come back for you and, once the king fixes that horrible tax law, you will be fat with grain!” watch comma splice The horse snorted and rolled its' no apostrophe eyes as she tethered him to a tree. so here's what I'm thinking: a talking horse is unusual but not unique, which brings me to what I said above about getting crazy here, get my point?
Now on foot, she continued on her way. She hummed and skipped as she went along but, after only a few short hours, she knew that she was lost and too exhausted to go any further. farther Her feet ached and, with the sun slowly going down, she became panicked. “Please, somebody help me”,place comma inside qmarks she cried, “I am terribly lost!” Almost immediately, a huge ogre appeared. “I see that you are lost and in need of help,” said he, period here not comma “I believe that I can offer assistance.”
“With all due respect, sir, I cannot possibly see how a big, stupid ogre could help me,” said she. what's the ogre look like, sound like smell like etc??
“I have something that will take you to wherever you wish to be.” He produced from his satchel a straw hat. “Put this hat on, comma splice make your request, and it will be done.”
The girl was worried that this gift might come at a cost, but when she asked what his price was, the ogre simply said that he wished for her to be successful in her journey, so that her people would be fat and healthy. Being so young, the girl did not think about it another moment and, closing her eyes, promptly put the hat on her head. “Please take me to the evil king’s castle, hat!” When she opened her eyes, she was in the king’s courtyard. She requested and, surprisingly, why surprisingly? dev. show readers the conflict don't assume we know what you know was granted, a meeting with king and so she began to make her speech. The tyrant listened to her and, she feared, was about to throw her out, when he surprised her by clapping his hands. He told her that in all of his years, he had never heard a better speech and would lift the tax law at once. It appeared that the straw hat had the magical power of persuasion, too. what was the speech like? you're going to leave the readers hanging?
When she returned to her village, a thunderous roar of applause greeted her. It seemed that an errand boy for the king had returned the tax money to the villagers. For the next few years, everyone grew fat and healthy and content. for readers to believe in the success of her speech, we need to know its content in some form or another Then, on the third year anniversary of the tax law removal, as the young and heroic girl was hanging up her laundry outside, she saw the ogre coming out of the forest towards her. okay don't you remember how much comma splices make me nuts :) When he reached her, he smiled and commented that, as he’d wanted, her villagers had become as fat as they could be. She nodded and thanked him.
“No need to thank me, it is I who should be thanking you. read my mind You, as naïve as can be, have single-handedly fattened up your villagers. I should thank you because that is exactly the way I like my food!” great twist The young girl scarcely had time to protest when he picked her up and swallowed her whole. perfect ending
HI Carol. Fun story. REview my comments for direction Over-all I'd like to see more characterization and dev. on the setting. Your narration is on target. –Gary
This is the final story:
The Ogre and the Girl
Once upon a time there was a young girl called Mary who lived in a village located at the base of a very tall mountain. Each house in the village was a different combination of colors-a red house with a yellow roof, a blue house with a green roof, and so on. Mary had the daunting quest of freeing her village from the terribly high tax laws that an evil king named Yossarian imposed on them. Many villagers were starving and sick because of their inability to pay for food or health care. Though she did not know exactly how she would make the tyrant king listen to reason, Mary knew she must try.
King Yossarian lived several days’ ride from her home, so Mary borrowed her father's phoenix to ride and set out on her journey. Unfortunately while Mary and the phoenix were stopped at a stream for water the phoenix, like every phoenix eventually does, burst into flames and died.
Now on foot, she continued on her way. She hummed and skipped as she went along but, after only a few short hours, she knew that she was lost and too exhausted to go any farther. Her feet ached and, with the sun slowly going down, she became panicked. “Please, somebody help me,” she cried, “I am terribly lost!” Almost immediately, a huge ogre appeared. “I see that you are lost and in need of help,” said he. “I believe that I can offer assistance.”
“With all due respect, sir, I cannot possibly see how a big, stupid ogre could help me,” said she, eyeballing his oversized girth, his awkward fleshy fingers, and his oily gray skin. He smelled strongly of rancid meat. “I have something that will take you to wherever you wish to be.” He produced from his satchel a straw hat. “Put this hat on make your request and it will be done.” The girl was worried that this gift might come at a cost, but when she asked what his price was, the ogre simply said that he wished for her to be successful in her journey, so that her people would be fat and healthy. Being so young, the girl did not think about it another moment and, closing her eyes, promptly put the hat on her head. “Please take me to the evil king’s castle, hat!” When she opened her eyes, she was in the king’s courtyard. She requested a meeting with king Yossarian and was soon standing in front of where he sat on a great bejeweled throne and so she began to make her speech. She explained that people were starving and, if they died, who would be left for him to rule over? If he were a good and just king his subjects would follow him without question but if he continued to tax them to death there would almost certainly be talk of an uprising. The villagers would have no other choice. The tyrant listened to her and, she feared, was about to throw her out, when he surprised her by clapping his hands. He told her that in all of his years, he had never heard a better speech and would lift the tax law at once. It appeared that the straw hat had the magical power of persuasion, too.
When she returned to her village, a thunderous roar of applause greeted her. It seemed that an errand boy for the king had returned the tax money to the villagers. For the next few years, everyone grew fat and healthy and content.
Then, on the third year anniversary of the tax law removal, as the young and heroic girl was hanging up her laundry outside she saw the ogre coming out of the forest towards her. When he reached her, he smiled and commented that, as he’d wanted, her villagers had become as fat as they could be. She nodded and thanked him.
“No need to thank me. I should be thanking you. You, as naïve as can be, have single-handedly fattened up your villagers. I should thank you because that is exactly the way I like my food!” The young girl scarcely had time to protest when he picked her up and swallowed her whole.
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